2-22-06 Insult to Injury

...and salt in the wounds...

Dear Psychiatric Community,
You are not there for us. There are 9 million websites where I can share my pain, write little poems and help others with their grief.
As you can see, I do not need your website to do that. I have my own.

I have found that "resource" links generally lead back to the aforementioned websites like some sadistic circle. Rarely do they give names of therapists, locations of group assistance or even a phone number for assistance.
Most phone numbers are linked back to the APA in Washington, DC where, for the next 20 minutes, I can push buttons on my phone until something tells me to go to www.grief.net. That is a very cruel thing to do and someone should be punished for it.

Furthermore, I have spoken to my own insurance company who graciously offers 3 free sessions with a therapist of their choice...who, by the way, is booked solid and cannot see me for more than a week and then only during work hours. All other options have the same limitations as the above only they are somewhere across town, adding drive time to the missed work hour.

I am suggesting that psychologists work between the hours of 3p.m. and midnight only. I am suggesting that you put YOUR phone numbers at the end of that 20 minute recording and I am hopeful that you find a way to actually help people in the future.

Sincerely,
Jumping off the bridge and blaming it on you.

PS The above rant is a result of frustration. Psychologists proabably have one of the worst jobs in the world and who am I to say they should do it differently? And, I am not jumping off of any bridges, but I will blame them for things just because I have lot of misdirected anger.

2-22-06 Phoning it in?

I just called in "sick". I'm not sick. I'm overwhelmed. I'm incapable. THIS is the biggest clue that it's time to get help, right? When the grief affects your ability to function normally one must seek help.

See, I should have been a psychologist.
But this just makes me sad for psychologists. How depressing it must be.

Regardless, the second I took the committment of facing the day off of my shoulders it was "RELIEF". I feel less sad and more hopeful. And all that just from calling in sick.
How odd.

The saga continues....

2-22-06

I understand the process of grieving.
I really get that what I am feeling is "normal".

I also very clearly understand that I need help.
I see that I am not moving forward. I see that I am "stuck".
I am seeking therapy.

Compounds:
I am sad, compounded by the fact that the only people I have to talk to are
a) more depressed than I and
b) compassionate but helpless
compounded by the rest of my family wearing the same mask as I,
compounded by my embarrassment to show this to strangers,
compounded by the pain of others and my inability to be compassionate to them,
compounded by not wanting to "dump" on people to the point that THIS becomes all we ever discuss
compounded by worry about the rest of my family
compounded by a serious lack of funding toward therapy
compounded by my unwillingness to accept God just now.

I feel helpless.
Yesterday I was thinking of how therapists all say "you can choose how you feel and how you react." They are right. I can choose to be happy and friendly and fun.....for most of the day. But I cannot choose to not feel this pain. It is inside me ALL THE TIME. It is behind the happy, fun, friend. ALL THE TIME.
I CANNOT choose.
I cannot figure out how to release it. (release myself from it)

Am I suicidal. Absolutely not!!
...but don't think that I don't want the pain to end any way it can.
And then I worry - If I am feeling so very wrapt in pain, what must my mother be feeling? What is my sister thinking? How is my brother handling it?
Of course, they all look fine on the outside. Is it just me then?
I don't think so.
What if they are suicidal?
The phone rings and I fear. What if Mom just took a lot of sleeping pills and decided she had to go be with Dad? I sure wouldn't blame her...but the thought hurts like hell.

Damn. I just can't figure out how to accept that life is without him.
I just don't know how.

And all those caring people ...the ones who have been here and survived...they say "It never goes away but you learn to live with it."
My heart goes out to each of them but I cannot even concieve of "learning to live with" this gaping, bleeding wound.

I'm looking for a therapist. Someone who specializes in grief counseling. Someone pro-bono.
But if they say, "The seven steps of grieving are...." or "your feelings are normal" I'm probably going to explode.
I don't need my feelings "validated".
I need them stopped.
I need this undone.

2-20-06 some notes

Mom's perspective is one-sided, angry and unchangeable.
I feel like an outsider.
I miss "can't wait to see ya" the excitement Dad and I always had about seeing each other.
I can't believe that will never happen again.
I want to fix us but I can't even fix me.
Too many "how are YOU doing?"s. All sincere, but what does one say? "Well, I suck actually and I wish someone would lock me in a quiet place for about two months and pay my bills in the meantime."
I hate that I suck...and they have each other. In me it's all "stuffed down".

The hub is gone and we're all just spokes spinning away.

2-8-06

I should talk to her more often but I don't.
I think of her every minute but I don't call. I feel helpless to her.
I feel like I'm nothing but a reminder.
I feel so much sadness after we talk.
It isn't her fault. It is all in my head....I suppose.
But I worry about her endlessly.

I cannot think of my own sadness without exchanging it for hers.
I think, why am I crying? She is suffering so much more than I.
She is alone.
Her space has no voice to respond to her thoughts.
There is no validation.
She must hurt terribly all the time. I would, were I her.

I heard it in her voice last night.
She still laughs and jokes but she is caught deep inside her mind and she feels broken and lost.
I ache for her and want to heal her...but do I have an answer? Do I even have the strength?

To me, he was the answer for her....and she for him.
She has strenghts...and so did he.
And weaknesses, of course.
They balanced (counterbalanced) one another.
I hear her changing for lack of him.
I wonder if....
I know that....
I'm sad that she will not be the same.
I'm sad for who she will be.
I hurt for her more than for me.....but I hurt for losing her too.

2-3-06 5 Fridays

Friday nights are the worst.
I don't know why. Nothing to do I suppose.
Winding down is literally DOWN.
I feel loneliest. I feel most tired...most uninspired.
I feel that hole bigger than it is on any other day of the week.

And it has just come to me why.
Friday night is work.
Everything I do on Friday night is specifically done to keep my mind OFF of....that which I can no longer speak of/think of.
(She said "He wants you to focus on his life and let go of his death." To think of him at all is to think of his suffering. OUR suffering. I'm not past that yet.)

I will watch a movie...to focus on something else.
I will fractalize or blog...to focus on something else.
But it is so very deliberate on Friday nights that I'm not really focusing on something else. I'm actually focusing on not dealing with my emotions....and it isn't working out so well.

"It's the end of the world. The Apocalypse."
I can't explain that except to say that it keeps fitting into my thoughts about the state of everything.
It's not like me.

Nah...it's just Friday night.
It will pass.