2-3-06 5 Fridays

Friday nights are the worst.
I don't know why. Nothing to do I suppose.
Winding down is literally DOWN.
I feel loneliest. I feel most tired...most uninspired.
I feel that hole bigger than it is on any other day of the week.

And it has just come to me why.
Friday night is work.
Everything I do on Friday night is specifically done to keep my mind OFF of....that which I can no longer speak of/think of.
(She said "He wants you to focus on his life and let go of his death." To think of him at all is to think of his suffering. OUR suffering. I'm not past that yet.)

I will watch a movie...to focus on something else.
I will fractalize or blog...to focus on something else.
But it is so very deliberate on Friday nights that I'm not really focusing on something else. I'm actually focusing on not dealing with my emotions....and it isn't working out so well.

"It's the end of the world. The Apocalypse."
I can't explain that except to say that it keeps fitting into my thoughts about the state of everything.
It's not like me.

Nah...it's just Friday night.
It will pass.