10-28-2006 wasting
Last February, March, April, I kept telling my best friend and her daughter that they needed to stop fighting. I told them over and over that time is too short, that someday one of them would be gone and there would be so much left unsaid. So much love wasted. Time...wasted.
I really supposed that time would be in the future and the first to pass would be my friend, not her daughter. Regardless, I was entirely correct. Time was short. Love was wasted. Her daughter passed in the middle of their argueing. No consolations were ever made.
Two months before my father died he looked me in the eye and he said, "No matter what happens, you know I love you." I said I love him too. It was never a question, of course. He and I never questioned that. Not once in our entire lives. Unconditionally and entirely and forever.
We are on the other side of death now. We (my family) are wasting time. We are not loving each other like we should and it certainly isn't unconditional. At least, they aren't. My love for each of them is entirely unconditional. I forgive them every fault without question. I promise, if it is ever questioned, I hold no grudge for any thing. I just love. That is all.
But they don't. They fight. They don't forgive. They hold grudges. Mother, sister, brother. Mom hurts and angers and hurts more. Sister angers and has no patience for anyone else's pain. Brother blames.
Wasting time. We are just wasting it.
Why? Why don't THEY understand what they are losing? They who have already lost?
She said, "I'm sick of it. I can't be around all her anger." And the other said, in tears, "She's always mad at me. I can't do anything right anymore."
and I think they both just cry and cry but they don't speak and they don't care and they think the other is entirely selfish....when they both are entirely selfish.
Dad, I don't know what words to say to fix this. I can't find a way to reason with them. I'm so sorry Dad. I can't figure out how to keep us together. I need you. We need you. We're so broken now.
I'm so sorry. You know I'd make it right if I could. I just don't know how. I don't think I'm that strong anymore. They can't seem to hear me.
I love you Daddy. No matter what, I love you. And I love them too. No matter what and always.
I really supposed that time would be in the future and the first to pass would be my friend, not her daughter. Regardless, I was entirely correct. Time was short. Love was wasted. Her daughter passed in the middle of their argueing. No consolations were ever made.
Two months before my father died he looked me in the eye and he said, "No matter what happens, you know I love you." I said I love him too. It was never a question, of course. He and I never questioned that. Not once in our entire lives. Unconditionally and entirely and forever.
We are on the other side of death now. We (my family) are wasting time. We are not loving each other like we should and it certainly isn't unconditional. At least, they aren't. My love for each of them is entirely unconditional. I forgive them every fault without question. I promise, if it is ever questioned, I hold no grudge for any thing. I just love. That is all.
But they don't. They fight. They don't forgive. They hold grudges. Mother, sister, brother. Mom hurts and angers and hurts more. Sister angers and has no patience for anyone else's pain. Brother blames.
Wasting time. We are just wasting it.
Why? Why don't THEY understand what they are losing? They who have already lost?
She said, "I'm sick of it. I can't be around all her anger." And the other said, in tears, "She's always mad at me. I can't do anything right anymore."
and I think they both just cry and cry but they don't speak and they don't care and they think the other is entirely selfish....when they both are entirely selfish.
Dad, I don't know what words to say to fix this. I can't find a way to reason with them. I'm so sorry Dad. I can't figure out how to keep us together. I need you. We need you. We're so broken now.
I'm so sorry. You know I'd make it right if I could. I just don't know how. I don't think I'm that strong anymore. They can't seem to hear me.
I love you Daddy. No matter what, I love you. And I love them too. No matter what and always.
posted by Agnes at 2:11 PM
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