2-22-06
I understand the process of grieving.
I really get that what I am feeling is "normal".
I also very clearly understand that I need help.
I see that I am not moving forward. I see that I am "stuck".
I am seeking therapy.
Compounds:
I am sad, compounded by the fact that the only people I have to talk to are
a) more depressed than I and
b) compassionate but helpless
compounded by the rest of my family wearing the same mask as I,
compounded by my embarrassment to show this to strangers,
compounded by the pain of others and my inability to be compassionate to them,
compounded by not wanting to "dump" on people to the point that THIS becomes all we ever discuss
compounded by worry about the rest of my family
compounded by a serious lack of funding toward therapy
compounded by my unwillingness to accept God just now.
I feel helpless.
Yesterday I was thinking of how therapists all say "you can choose how you feel and how you react." They are right. I can choose to be happy and friendly and fun.....for most of the day. But I cannot choose to not feel this pain. It is inside me ALL THE TIME. It is behind the happy, fun, friend. ALL THE TIME.
I CANNOT choose.
I cannot figure out how to release it. (release myself from it)
Am I suicidal. Absolutely not!!
...but don't think that I don't want the pain to end any way it can.
And then I worry - If I am feeling so very wrapt in pain, what must my mother be feeling? What is my sister thinking? How is my brother handling it?
Of course, they all look fine on the outside. Is it just me then?
I don't think so.
What if they are suicidal?
The phone rings and I fear. What if Mom just took a lot of sleeping pills and decided she had to go be with Dad? I sure wouldn't blame her...but the thought hurts like hell.
Damn. I just can't figure out how to accept that life is without him.
I just don't know how.
And all those caring people ...the ones who have been here and survived...they say "It never goes away but you learn to live with it."
My heart goes out to each of them but I cannot even concieve of "learning to live with" this gaping, bleeding wound.
I'm looking for a therapist. Someone who specializes in grief counseling. Someone pro-bono.
But if they say, "The seven steps of grieving are...." or "your feelings are normal" I'm probably going to explode.
I don't need my feelings "validated".
I need them stopped.
I need this undone.
I really get that what I am feeling is "normal".
I also very clearly understand that I need help.
I see that I am not moving forward. I see that I am "stuck".
I am seeking therapy.
Compounds:
I am sad, compounded by the fact that the only people I have to talk to are
a) more depressed than I and
b) compassionate but helpless
compounded by the rest of my family wearing the same mask as I,
compounded by my embarrassment to show this to strangers,
compounded by the pain of others and my inability to be compassionate to them,
compounded by not wanting to "dump" on people to the point that THIS becomes all we ever discuss
compounded by worry about the rest of my family
compounded by a serious lack of funding toward therapy
compounded by my unwillingness to accept God just now.
I feel helpless.
Yesterday I was thinking of how therapists all say "you can choose how you feel and how you react." They are right. I can choose to be happy and friendly and fun.....for most of the day. But I cannot choose to not feel this pain. It is inside me ALL THE TIME. It is behind the happy, fun, friend. ALL THE TIME.
I CANNOT choose.
I cannot figure out how to release it. (release myself from it)
Am I suicidal. Absolutely not!!
...but don't think that I don't want the pain to end any way it can.
And then I worry - If I am feeling so very wrapt in pain, what must my mother be feeling? What is my sister thinking? How is my brother handling it?
Of course, they all look fine on the outside. Is it just me then?
I don't think so.
What if they are suicidal?
The phone rings and I fear. What if Mom just took a lot of sleeping pills and decided she had to go be with Dad? I sure wouldn't blame her...but the thought hurts like hell.
Damn. I just can't figure out how to accept that life is without him.
I just don't know how.
And all those caring people ...the ones who have been here and survived...they say "It never goes away but you learn to live with it."
My heart goes out to each of them but I cannot even concieve of "learning to live with" this gaping, bleeding wound.
I'm looking for a therapist. Someone who specializes in grief counseling. Someone pro-bono.
But if they say, "The seven steps of grieving are...." or "your feelings are normal" I'm probably going to explode.
I don't need my feelings "validated".
I need them stopped.
I need this undone.
posted by Agnes at 5:13 AM
1 Comments:
24.02
Love and hugs, dearest, and fervent hope you will get what you need now(!).
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