2-8-06

I should talk to her more often but I don't.
I think of her every minute but I don't call. I feel helpless to her.
I feel like I'm nothing but a reminder.
I feel so much sadness after we talk.
It isn't her fault. It is all in my head....I suppose.
But I worry about her endlessly.

I cannot think of my own sadness without exchanging it for hers.
I think, why am I crying? She is suffering so much more than I.
She is alone.
Her space has no voice to respond to her thoughts.
There is no validation.
She must hurt terribly all the time. I would, were I her.

I heard it in her voice last night.
She still laughs and jokes but she is caught deep inside her mind and she feels broken and lost.
I ache for her and want to heal her...but do I have an answer? Do I even have the strength?

To me, he was the answer for her....and she for him.
She has strenghts...and so did he.
And weaknesses, of course.
They balanced (counterbalanced) one another.
I hear her changing for lack of him.
I wonder if....
I know that....
I'm sad that she will not be the same.
I'm sad for who she will be.
I hurt for her more than for me.....but I hurt for losing her too.