2009-3-28

In the dream my hands and feet are bound. I am inside a barrell. The barrell is full of water save for half an inch at the top. The top of the barrell is nailed on.
I know I can breath in the shallow spot of air, but I also know I won't be able to for long. That will become carbon monoxide quickly.
I think of tipping the barrell but don't know where that tiny bit of air would end up or if I will be able to reach it again. I don't know if the barrell will roll. There is no guarantee that it will break. It might not break.
I cannot figure out the weakness. I cannot figure out how to escape this.
I cannot accept that I will die this way.
I can only try to scream into that tiny space.
Hope fades. Panic is on the horizon.
I awake.

I am surrounded. My life is full of addicts. Xanax, alcohol, prescription drugs. All of my friends are....incoherent. I talk but they don't hear me. They misconstrue my words. Sometimes, they don't remember what I said at all.
I ended up with barstools when I said "office chair".
I searched for the wallet for the thousandth time.
I made excuses for him in public.
I remember how it goes away...every time it goes away.

I feel like I'm screaming into a canyon.

How do I change it?
What will I lose when I do?