11-27-2006 the mirror has two faces
Thanksgiving 2006:
I played it like I was expected to. I kept busy and stayed in good humor. I tried to be positive and upbeat. I have counted my blessings. I was honestly happy to be with my family.
But let's get real for a minute.
Yesterday was the 1yr anniversary of Mickey's death. (do not mark or acknowledge the anniversaries of the death of pets! It isn't a brilliant thing to do.) It was our first Thanksgiving without Dad. It was my friend's first Thanksgiving without her daughter. AND...to throw a little gasoline on this inferno, the company I work for announced on Wednesday that the office will be closing. We will all be out of work. (no indication as to WHEN). Imagine carrying that little nugget around all holiday long. I didn't tell anyone.
Last night, as I was trying to fall asleep, I had this horrible realization. There are no fantasies to escape into. There is nothing but reality...such as it is.
I told my husband last night that I'm going to be out of work soon. He instantly got angry. "Why didn't you tell me?!" Uh, well...maybe because you'd get angry?
Why is he angry? It isn't my fault. I'm so terribly sad and frightened. I took this job at a lot less pay than my last job. Now we're horribly in debt and it's all my fault...and now I have to find another job. I have to find one that pays a lot, which means going back into logistics. I hate logistics.
My husband can't understand that. His perspective is that you take a job that pays and if you don't like it that's just too bad.
My dad was miserable for the last 11yrs as he slaved for an asshole boss. He did it because it paid enough to secure him and Mom. I just keep thinking how sad that is...all those hours wasted.
So anyway, I didn't tell the hubby until last night. I didn't see that there was any point to ruining both our holidays. Then, my best friend called...she spent the whole call talking about how sad her family is and how mad she is at her sister and, of course, interjected the "we raised my zoloft by 100mg so maybe that will keep me from...(pause) doing something."
Let's recap.
Anniversary of Mickey's death.
First year w/o Dad and Jessica.
Losing job.
Hubby's angry.
Best friend is suicidal.
I'm broke for Christmas.
Why is it easier to find things to be sad about? I wish Dad were still here. He could always make me laugh...even when the chips were down.
I wish I could run away.
Saw this on Mom's bulliten board:
I'll Be Seeing You - Sammy Fain, Irvin Kahal
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cathedral bells were tolling
And our hearts sang on,
Was it the spell of Paris
Or the April dawn?
Who knows, if we shall meet again?
But when the morning chimes ring sweet again:
I'll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces all day through:
In that small cafe,
The park across the way,
The children's carousel,
The chestnut trees,
The wishing well.
I'll be seeing you in every lovely summer's day,
In everything that's light and gay,
I'll always think of you that way
I'll find you in the morning sun,
And when the night is new,
I'll be looking at the moon
But I'll be seeing you.
I miss you so much Dad.
I played it like I was expected to. I kept busy and stayed in good humor. I tried to be positive and upbeat. I have counted my blessings. I was honestly happy to be with my family.
But let's get real for a minute.
Yesterday was the 1yr anniversary of Mickey's death. (do not mark or acknowledge the anniversaries of the death of pets! It isn't a brilliant thing to do.) It was our first Thanksgiving without Dad. It was my friend's first Thanksgiving without her daughter. AND...to throw a little gasoline on this inferno, the company I work for announced on Wednesday that the office will be closing. We will all be out of work. (no indication as to WHEN). Imagine carrying that little nugget around all holiday long. I didn't tell anyone.
Last night, as I was trying to fall asleep, I had this horrible realization. There are no fantasies to escape into. There is nothing but reality...such as it is.
I told my husband last night that I'm going to be out of work soon. He instantly got angry. "Why didn't you tell me?!" Uh, well...maybe because you'd get angry?
Why is he angry? It isn't my fault. I'm so terribly sad and frightened. I took this job at a lot less pay than my last job. Now we're horribly in debt and it's all my fault...and now I have to find another job. I have to find one that pays a lot, which means going back into logistics. I hate logistics.
My husband can't understand that. His perspective is that you take a job that pays and if you don't like it that's just too bad.
My dad was miserable for the last 11yrs as he slaved for an asshole boss. He did it because it paid enough to secure him and Mom. I just keep thinking how sad that is...all those hours wasted.
So anyway, I didn't tell the hubby until last night. I didn't see that there was any point to ruining both our holidays. Then, my best friend called...she spent the whole call talking about how sad her family is and how mad she is at her sister and, of course, interjected the "we raised my zoloft by 100mg so maybe that will keep me from...(pause) doing something."
Let's recap.
Anniversary of Mickey's death.
First year w/o Dad and Jessica.
Losing job.
Hubby's angry.
Best friend is suicidal.
I'm broke for Christmas.
Why is it easier to find things to be sad about? I wish Dad were still here. He could always make me laugh...even when the chips were down.
I wish I could run away.
Saw this on Mom's bulliten board:
I'll Be Seeing You - Sammy Fain, Irvin Kahal
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cathedral bells were tolling
And our hearts sang on,
Was it the spell of Paris
Or the April dawn?
Who knows, if we shall meet again?
But when the morning chimes ring sweet again:
I'll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces all day through:
In that small cafe,
The park across the way,
The children's carousel,
The chestnut trees,
The wishing well.
I'll be seeing you in every lovely summer's day,
In everything that's light and gay,
I'll always think of you that way
I'll find you in the morning sun,
And when the night is new,
I'll be looking at the moon
But I'll be seeing you.
I miss you so much Dad.
posted by Agnes at 5:00 AM
1 Comments:
Hey Aggie,
hugs to you, precious. So sorry to hear you will be job-hunting again against your will, hoping with all that has come your way this past year, this will turn out to be a blessing in disguise and that you find something that is both financially viable and that you can enjoy. It's time for that wheel to turn, the winds to change, and I wish you the very best of luck, xo
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