1-29-08 internal conversations.....and epiphanies?
This rant...only in my head...began when he ended his e-mail with: Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!
Which, oddly, doesn't seem to apply to ME but only to her.
Here is what you don’t know about me right now. Everyone – without exception – EVERYONE in my life outside these walls, is in some stage of the grieving process. Myself included.
Two of them are suicidal. One of them, because she really is lost. One because she exploits the sympathy of others. Regardless, they both need consolation.
I spend my days trying to find joy in a joyless world. I come here and smile and work and pretend this happiness. I leave MY pain outside the door. It doesn’t belong here. I do not require anyone here to bear any of my burden. None. It is mine.
I am sorry if my well of compassion is not endless. It has a bottom and it is drained dry much more often than one might think. I cannot take on another. I will not. Particularly when that one, like the latter of my own, creates most of her own pain. AND the alcohol. I won’t try to save a self-destructive soul. I won’t do it again. It ends very messily. I’ll not do it again.
Leave me to my own. Let me bear my burdens alone as I choose and try…try not to add to them.
If it is your calling to save the world, then by all means save it. It is not mine. I thought it was and then I learned that I am powerless to change a person who wants to live a miserable life.
Does that class teach you how not to let other people’s burdens become your own? You might want to watch that…and re-read Mother Theresa’s own inner conflict. As strong as you are, you can lose yourself and your faith if you surround yourself with the pain of others.
Good luck with that.
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!
Be kinder than necessary, for Everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!
Be kinder than necessary, for everyONE you meet is fighting some kind of battle!
Be kinder than necessary, for EVERYone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!
Be kinder than necessary, for EVERYONE you meet is fighting some kind of battle!
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!
even me
I just, this very second, learned something about myself.
I learned that the big, strong, loud voice in my head that says “NO! I’M NOT GOING TO FEEL! I’M NOT GOING TO BE SUCKERED INTO THIS AGAIN! I’M NOT THE SUPPORTER ANYMORE! I’M NOT GOING TO BE THE COMPASSIONATE ONE!” is hiding this little tiny voice that says “what about me? Who’s going to support me?”
The sudden knowledge of that tiny voice makes me spontaneously tear up. Cry? I haven’t cried in………………………………………………ages.
Everyone is fighting some kind of battle.
Even me.
Please don’t go trying to support me. I don’t want to cry. I won’t cry. I WON’T FEEL ANYMORE!
Man. It really is my issue. It really is.
Which, oddly, doesn't seem to apply to ME but only to her.
Here is what you don’t know about me right now. Everyone – without exception – EVERYONE in my life outside these walls, is in some stage of the grieving process. Myself included.
Two of them are suicidal. One of them, because she really is lost. One because she exploits the sympathy of others. Regardless, they both need consolation.
I spend my days trying to find joy in a joyless world. I come here and smile and work and pretend this happiness. I leave MY pain outside the door. It doesn’t belong here. I do not require anyone here to bear any of my burden. None. It is mine.
I am sorry if my well of compassion is not endless. It has a bottom and it is drained dry much more often than one might think. I cannot take on another. I will not. Particularly when that one, like the latter of my own, creates most of her own pain. AND the alcohol. I won’t try to save a self-destructive soul. I won’t do it again. It ends very messily. I’ll not do it again.
Leave me to my own. Let me bear my burdens alone as I choose and try…try not to add to them.
If it is your calling to save the world, then by all means save it. It is not mine. I thought it was and then I learned that I am powerless to change a person who wants to live a miserable life.
Does that class teach you how not to let other people’s burdens become your own? You might want to watch that…and re-read Mother Theresa’s own inner conflict. As strong as you are, you can lose yourself and your faith if you surround yourself with the pain of others.
Good luck with that.
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!
Be kinder than necessary, for Everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!
Be kinder than necessary, for everyONE you meet is fighting some kind of battle!
Be kinder than necessary, for EVERYone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!
Be kinder than necessary, for EVERYONE you meet is fighting some kind of battle!
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!
even me
I just, this very second, learned something about myself.
I learned that the big, strong, loud voice in my head that says “NO! I’M NOT GOING TO FEEL! I’M NOT GOING TO BE SUCKERED INTO THIS AGAIN! I’M NOT THE SUPPORTER ANYMORE! I’M NOT GOING TO BE THE COMPASSIONATE ONE!” is hiding this little tiny voice that says “what about me? Who’s going to support me?”
The sudden knowledge of that tiny voice makes me spontaneously tear up. Cry? I haven’t cried in………………………………………………ages.
Everyone is fighting some kind of battle.
Even me.
Please don’t go trying to support me. I don’t want to cry. I won’t cry. I WON’T FEEL ANYMORE!
Man. It really is my issue. It really is.
posted by Agnes at 5:42 PM
3 Comments:
My heart aches for you, and you know what that is like, wishing there were something I could do, knowing that even if there were something it wouldn't make a difference for I am not what you need, just as you are not what these people need. Sure we can offer support, we can offer hugs and tissues, but we cannot do anything much for those who need something we are unable to give or haven't found a way to help themselves. We have what we have to give and there are those who not only take on other people's burdens but are unable to let them go too, empathy to maximum degree and with your own pain to deal with too during these last couple of years especially, it is no wonder that you feel emptied out. You need to take a step back and are doing so, you need to concentrate on yourself, finding a way to make the world around you joyful and it will take all your energy and it will be well-spent, so don't let yourself feel guilty for concentrating on yourself, as I suspect you might at times given this is a 180 degree turn in some respects. However, the truth of the matter is that you must not allow yourself to have any expectations of other people, at least not to the degree that you used to offer yourself to them, it's just the way it is, not that you won't get the support, but just that given how you have cared and taken onboard, it can be hard to then realize that when you need something from them, it isn't necessarily forthcoming. Just think then of all the times that you were able to help, of the adivce and encouragement and support and love given and know that when you offer these things to yourself, it is a mighty power. I hope that you will be surrounded by people with open arms either to embrace or to hold you up when that is what you need. Know too that there are people here that care deeply about you, though we have never and may never set eyes upon one another and for what it is worth, there are arms here too. This was just a train of thought, lost some along the way and may have worded other things such as they will be misunderstood, but underline Hugs and the main message will have gotten through.
Autumn, there's a lot I want to say here and, unfortunately not enough time yet. Mostly I want to thank you for giving me some much needed perception. I'm far too close to the situation to step back and see it objectively. You hit the nail on the head when you said "you need to concentrate on yourself, finding a way to make the world around you joyful and it will take all your energy and it will be well-spent, so don't let yourself feel guilty for concentrating on yourself". I've been doing exactly that...feeling guilty. I suspect the guilt has built into this insanity. I think, when the CEO asks me to "help him support her", I've got to find the gentlest way of saying "No. Sorry. Can't help ya there. Gotta work on me a while first." I have to forgive them for not knowing the road I'm on. I don't share that with them. I won't because it's mine and I need it to stay that way. But I have to remember that they don't know.
Your words have really helped me calm this storm a bit.
More when I find a few moments.
Hugs and love to you.
awesome..ur are one of the rarest of rarest who have thrown that veil..politiness..compassionate...that the whole is darned with.
Be urself..try to find happiness within urself..not within ur surroundings..and keep that atitude
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