4-20-06 blog
I accidentally ran across my sister's blog. I knew she had one but I kinda thought it was all in fun for her.
There are posts there that I can't read (blocked). They are titled "Where is he?" "Everything sucks ass" and "It still hurts."
I don't want to read her posts because I want her to have her own private thoughts. To view them, with her knowledge, will edit her future thoughts. I suppose, just like me, she needs a place to lay out the most painful parts of her life - without discretion.
But she is my baby. I can't stand her pain a thousand times more than my own will ever hurt me.
Oh hon. If I could make it better I would.
Sadder than anything, I am part of a family who doesn't speak of their pain to one another. I can't even figure out how to start that conversation. I suspect if I did I would be met with the same reaction I would give them. "Oh, I'm fine." We don't burden each other. We wear our masks.
I wish I had the ability to pour so much love over us all that we would never feel a minute more of this loss.
I love you baby. Hang in there.
There are posts there that I can't read (blocked). They are titled "Where is he?" "Everything sucks ass" and "It still hurts."
I don't want to read her posts because I want her to have her own private thoughts. To view them, with her knowledge, will edit her future thoughts. I suppose, just like me, she needs a place to lay out the most painful parts of her life - without discretion.
But she is my baby. I can't stand her pain a thousand times more than my own will ever hurt me.
Oh hon. If I could make it better I would.
Sadder than anything, I am part of a family who doesn't speak of their pain to one another. I can't even figure out how to start that conversation. I suspect if I did I would be met with the same reaction I would give them. "Oh, I'm fine." We don't burden each other. We wear our masks.
I wish I had the ability to pour so much love over us all that we would never feel a minute more of this loss.
I love you baby. Hang in there.
posted by Agnes at 5:15 AM
3 Comments:
My sister and I used to be that way for a very long time after mom died. No one said a word about the loss or the grief, and life just kept spinning. We both had school to take care of and then the grown up life was knocking on the door.
It was when I got sick in cancer about 11 years ago that I started a conversation about mom since there were so many things that seemed to happen all over again. My sister have never been the open type of person. She rarely show feelings to anyone and especially not bad feelings.
I started that conversation with a small talk about mom without touching the subject at all. Then I gradually began to draw the lines to events that for some reason appeared to happen all over again. In the end I realized that we didn't even have the same memories of mom or how things were when she got ill. It was a weird happening.
And I agree about your sisters thoughts. At least what she has to say in her blog is probably best left alone if she's not willing to share it.
Same thing happened with my father, it overshadowed by a million times anything I felt.
His pain was unbearable to me and it would have been too much for him to keep inside - yourself and your sister are expressing it, that's good, but it would be lovely to be able to help each other, talk to each other instead/as well.
With my father, I just began talking to him, about anything and everything. Not least memories that would bring a smile or a laugh, a sad smile and a sad laugh at first, but it was necessary to move onto where it could be open/free and therefrom it began to have the greatest healing qualities.
Keeps them near too.
I would tentatively say, just talk about the first thing that enters you mind, good or bad, from what I've experienced it all helped my father open up and deal with all the grief and pain inside.
We talked/talk as though my brother were still around in the sense that him being gone is no barrier to subject matter, i.e. memories of things he did that were disappointing in some way (hurtful, etc) as well the many that make us rejoice in how wonderful he was.
The talking helped my family, who are not otherwise expressive, the sharing helped heal.
It might do the same for yours.
Hope it does.
Ladies, I wanted to drop a line to tell you that I am reading what your dear hearts leave me here. The things you say mean so much and strike so close to my own heart.
Christa, the little sis and I are skating on the edge of expressing our feelings. Maybe we just aren't quite ready yet.
My mom...she's a mystery to me. I hope we can break down that wall but she's a tough case. She talks about him like he's still here, and why wouldn't she? He's been a part of every conversation for 41 years. Habits die hard or not at all. I don't mind if that one stays. I just wish she'd open up to a third party. There is some imagery I'm not prepared to handle.
Autumn, I realize that this would is fresh for all of us. The hardest part for me now is trying to let go of the last three months of his life and remember the good things. I had no idea how difficult that would be. Those things are starting to come back. I think when I can wash away the sad with the good, I can open up more too.
Mom's talking about coming up from Houston to stay a few days. I'll not discourage her one bit and I'll pray it's a good visit...but I'm scared as hell. Wish us luck. :)
Mountains of love to you both.;)
Post a Comment
<< Home