1-20-06
I cannot make a fractal of my sadness.
I cannot sketch my confusion.
Most days are...tolerable. I've had one good day since.
Beyond tolerable is this huge hole of ache.
Some days I'm ok. I can get by. I can not think.
Other days I cannot think of anything else.
Today is one of the other days.
I never know when I'm going to have them. Maybe it's hormonal. I don't know.
I know it doesn't matter the cause because the reason for the sadness remains.
It remains. Those words are so foreign to me.
I can't wrap my head around "forever gone". I can't get a grasp on "never again".
I miss him like he's gone on a trip.
I miss him like I'll wake up from this nightmare.
And then I realize that this is my mother's nightmare.
Oh if we could just wake up to find it was all some horrible thing now put back right.
Today started in the shower getting dressed for work. No background music. Nothing to stir the emotions from my still heart.
The word "forever" crossed my mind and I was consumed in grief.
I read Morrie last night. I read that his mother died when he was a child, some 70 years prior...and he cried for her even then. He cried for feeling alone without her. He said it never stops hurting.
Nevers. Nevers of never again and nevers of never stopping.
Nevers are bigger than forevers.
Most days I cry on the way to work. It's a short trip but it's "alone time" and "music time" and the music usually overwhelms me.
I change the disc to something that won't make me think of him....but the words get me anyway. This morning I put in an instrumental CD thinking that would save me.
But "The Last Goodbye" was on it. I'd forgotten it was there.
Usually I'm back to being me once I step off that elevator and put on the mask.
Today that mask wasn't enough. No one else could see but I just couldn't think of anything else. Nothing but nevers.
I am in my gray funk today. I hope to sleep it off, if I can sleep at all.
I want to be a part of the world again...but it isn't the same world and I don't know how yet.
I cry an enormous amount for Mom.
All of the paperwork, certificates, financial worries, health insurance worries, tax worries.....I can't believe there's so much. I can't comprehend how overwhelmed she must be. I can't fix it for her even though I really really want to.
And all that technical/administrative BS that she's going through....while she's hurting like she never has.
I can barely think of Mom's pain it aches so badly in me. Oh if I could take it away.
Of if we could just wake up from this nightmare.
A million words...an no way to say them now.
Ouch.
Dad is gone.
I don't know how to do this.
WE don't know how to do this.
I cannot sketch my confusion.
Most days are...tolerable. I've had one good day since.
Beyond tolerable is this huge hole of ache.
Some days I'm ok. I can get by. I can not think.
Other days I cannot think of anything else.
Today is one of the other days.
I never know when I'm going to have them. Maybe it's hormonal. I don't know.
I know it doesn't matter the cause because the reason for the sadness remains.
It remains. Those words are so foreign to me.
I can't wrap my head around "forever gone". I can't get a grasp on "never again".
I miss him like he's gone on a trip.
I miss him like I'll wake up from this nightmare.
And then I realize that this is my mother's nightmare.
Oh if we could just wake up to find it was all some horrible thing now put back right.
Today started in the shower getting dressed for work. No background music. Nothing to stir the emotions from my still heart.
The word "forever" crossed my mind and I was consumed in grief.
I read Morrie last night. I read that his mother died when he was a child, some 70 years prior...and he cried for her even then. He cried for feeling alone without her. He said it never stops hurting.
Nevers. Nevers of never again and nevers of never stopping.
Nevers are bigger than forevers.
Most days I cry on the way to work. It's a short trip but it's "alone time" and "music time" and the music usually overwhelms me.
I change the disc to something that won't make me think of him....but the words get me anyway. This morning I put in an instrumental CD thinking that would save me.
But "The Last Goodbye" was on it. I'd forgotten it was there.
Usually I'm back to being me once I step off that elevator and put on the mask.
Today that mask wasn't enough. No one else could see but I just couldn't think of anything else. Nothing but nevers.
I am in my gray funk today. I hope to sleep it off, if I can sleep at all.
I want to be a part of the world again...but it isn't the same world and I don't know how yet.
I cry an enormous amount for Mom.
All of the paperwork, certificates, financial worries, health insurance worries, tax worries.....I can't believe there's so much. I can't comprehend how overwhelmed she must be. I can't fix it for her even though I really really want to.
And all that technical/administrative BS that she's going through....while she's hurting like she never has.
I can barely think of Mom's pain it aches so badly in me. Oh if I could take it away.
Of if we could just wake up from this nightmare.
A million words...an no way to say them now.
Ouch.
Dad is gone.
I don't know how to do this.
WE don't know how to do this.
posted by Agnes at 4:51 PM
2 Comments:
You are not alone. Come hold my hand. Together we will walk together. I had a dream of my dad last night. I'm holding my hand out. Come walk with me.
((((((((((((Tracey and Trée))))))))))))))
Trée, your dreams give me hope. Maybe I did take your hand. (see next post)
Thank you...both.
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