1-30-06 A few sidenotes
- I am not giving back enough. I want to but I seem to be so very internal that I can't concentrate enough to empathize. This is not me. I have never been this deeply into "MYSELF". It's driving me mad and I think "I'll get past it." "It's still early yet." - but tomorrow is the 31st. 31sts are not going to be easy for me. Am I going to start over?
- My friend tries to understand what I'm going through. I try to explain, but I can't. She says, "when I lost my grandmother" and "when we lost our friend" and I know those things were difficult. I've lost both before...but it just isn't the same. This thing NEVER stops. There is no distraction great enough to overcome the gaping hole. It is 24/7, worse when I'm alone, all consuming.
It will change. Am I just holding on to the sadness? Am I normal? Am I grieving "correctly" or is this taking over my life instead? I don't know where I am on the scale......is there a scale?
- I am now reading 3 books concurrently. Each of them, in some way, about death. Two are fictional. I read them all in 1 page intervals. The thing is, I'm not INTERESTED in them. I am escaping into them. 1 page is about all I can concentrate on before my mind just wanders off again.
The books are Tuesday's With Morrie, Bag of Bones(Stephen King psycological thing about a man who sees his dead wife) and something John Saul wrote 10 years ago or so. John Saul writes horror novels (not tremendously well) that generally have a pretty high body count.
Morrie is helping. The other two are less than inspirationl.
I saw the movie "The Interpreter" and it really hurt to watch it. It wouldn't hurt anyone else.
- Lunesta gives me an odd taste in my mouth about 20 minutes after I take it.
I am getting way too happy about that taste. That taste means I will be asleep in 5 more minutes and all the above will be set aside.
Lunesta is non-narcotic but totally addictive. Go figure.
Oh well, I'll run out eventually.
- I'm afraid I'm working too hard at avoiding my feelings. To be honest I don't freely emote unless I'm alone. I can't decide if I'm alone enough. (I'd damn well like to be alone on a beach!)
I used to blog when I was alone.
Now I just cry.
- It will get better. I need Springtime. (but will Springtime only remind me of the things I can't share with him anymore?)
There was something else. These are the things I think about. These are the things that troll endlessly across my brain. Shouldn't there be something productive up there?
There was something else but I can't remember what it was. I'm sure it will come back..again and again and again.
- My friend tries to understand what I'm going through. I try to explain, but I can't. She says, "when I lost my grandmother" and "when we lost our friend" and I know those things were difficult. I've lost both before...but it just isn't the same. This thing NEVER stops. There is no distraction great enough to overcome the gaping hole. It is 24/7, worse when I'm alone, all consuming.
It will change. Am I just holding on to the sadness? Am I normal? Am I grieving "correctly" or is this taking over my life instead? I don't know where I am on the scale......is there a scale?
- I am now reading 3 books concurrently. Each of them, in some way, about death. Two are fictional. I read them all in 1 page intervals. The thing is, I'm not INTERESTED in them. I am escaping into them. 1 page is about all I can concentrate on before my mind just wanders off again.
The books are Tuesday's With Morrie, Bag of Bones(Stephen King psycological thing about a man who sees his dead wife) and something John Saul wrote 10 years ago or so. John Saul writes horror novels (not tremendously well) that generally have a pretty high body count.
Morrie is helping. The other two are less than inspirationl.
I saw the movie "The Interpreter" and it really hurt to watch it. It wouldn't hurt anyone else.
- Lunesta gives me an odd taste in my mouth about 20 minutes after I take it.
I am getting way too happy about that taste. That taste means I will be asleep in 5 more minutes and all the above will be set aside.
Lunesta is non-narcotic but totally addictive. Go figure.
Oh well, I'll run out eventually.
- I'm afraid I'm working too hard at avoiding my feelings. To be honest I don't freely emote unless I'm alone. I can't decide if I'm alone enough. (I'd damn well like to be alone on a beach!)
I used to blog when I was alone.
Now I just cry.
- It will get better. I need Springtime. (but will Springtime only remind me of the things I can't share with him anymore?)
There was something else. These are the things I think about. These are the things that troll endlessly across my brain. Shouldn't there be something productive up there?
There was something else but I can't remember what it was. I'm sure it will come back..again and again and again.
posted by Agnes at 4:58 AM
3 Comments:
Oh my...there's no "right" way to greif, Agnes...or any time frame for it. And it's only been a month. I think what you need is someone to cry together with...someone with a shoulder you can lean on and who will just hold you without words or questions.
To let it all out might be the bravest thing you've ever done, but it sounds as if you really need it.
Share it with someone you love and trust, otherwise you will always feel alone in your greiving. And that's just not right.
:hugs:
As with your friend, I too have no idea, what you are going through, but reading these posts, I cannot help but (sometimes) share my thoughts -
I must emphasize, like Christa, there is no time limit. I also offer the opinion based on observance that allowing grief to consume, when it is this large, is the only way to eventually feel better, to get to an easier place - the other is putting off the inevitable and it won't get any easier at a later date, harder it appears in fact.
Give yourself what you need.
Much love, infinite hugs.
I want you all to know that I read the comments you leave here. Often over and over. They offer solace and kinship. They remind me that the pain is temporary and the love is forever.
Thanks always.
Aggie
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