12-12-05 Shattered

You sorry, self-pitying schmuck. You dare tell me "I don't know what you expect me to do." and then pour gasoline on the already charred remains of my soul?
You tell me you feel bad about Mickey too but "what do you want me to do?!"
You have the nerve to go off on me about MONEY!! MONEY!! As if it somehow became MY responsiblity to provide YOU with the lifestyle YOU'RE accustomed to??!!
Pony up! You want to get out of debt, how the hell is it my responsibility to do that for you? Is it your responsiblity to pay the loan I took out for my sister's wedding?? Of course not. I would never ask you to.

You want to know what I expect you to do? I expect you to have some goddamned EMPATHY! Show some FUCKING COMPASSION! Realize that we are supposed to be a team! We are not roommates! This is 12yrs of my life. MY LIFE - not just yours. My father still has cancer. My cat is still dead. I am GRIEVING! I am without hope. I am in so much pain inside that I want to tear my skin from my bones so at least I'll understand why I hurt so much.
Could you look at anyone else but you?? Could you maybe decide that this isn't the time to bitch about your sad situation?

Fine - I will go find another job. I'll give up my short commute and my better days and I will go back to the life that made me miserable. We'll rarely see one another. I'll be on call 24/7. You'll start accusing me of seeing someone else again. But MAYBE I'll make enough to pull us up from the dungeon you believe we're in.
I will resent the hell out of you for it. Every fucking day.
I'll pay off your bills. I'll pay for everything. Our bills. The groceries. Everything. Don't sweat it. I will just let you tilt the responsibilites over to my side again.
As long as there's extra money, you're happy. I get that. And I love you so I want you to be happy.
And in time, I'll learn how not to hate you for it. Maybe.

(Oh, and a footnote; You said you went to North Carolina with only $150.00 and that's why you didn't spend any money. Well isn't that sad? I can't remember the last time I had $150 in the bank at any one time. What would you do if I said "I'm sick of being poor and going into debt YOU need to make more money.")