9-27-05 no one to talk to

Realizations - When the chips are down I have no one to talk to.
When I am confused or conflicted, the closest thing I have to a shoulder
is a group of strangers - and I don't want to burden them with my
internal confusions. I want to play to them. I want to act as though I am fine.

I got a job offer. I sent my resume. I considered it. I became troubled by my decision to acknowledge
the offer.
I like my job. I like it a lot. It's close to home. It's non-intrusive. I don't hate waking up every
day. This is a good job. BUT it doesn't pay the bills and I am drowning. DROWNING!!!!

I told him "I'll just have to get a second job." his response was "Whatever" like it was a dare.
(Yeah sure, you won't do it.) But I don't have a choice. We are broke. We are backsliding deeper into debt.

We have NOTHING to fall back on. (unless I sell his crap- but that income won't pay OUR bills. I pay our bills.)

If I told her, all I would hear is (oh yeah, well my problems are so much worse than yours.
I'm dying from the inside out. I'm one big mystery ailment.(hypochondriac))

My Mother thinks I should go back to the old life. "You were so good at it."
It was killing me. It gave me ulcers. It took most of the joy from my life. It took most
everything from my life. I don't want it back.

My Father would just agree with me - or maybe he would agree with Mom.
My brother thinks money comes first.
My sister doesn't work and doesn't understand.