10-27-05 Cancer +1

To think that only yesterday
I was cheerful, bright and gay
Looking forward to who wouldn't do
The role I was about to play
But as if to knock me down
Reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch
Cut me into little pieces
Leaving me to doubt
All about, God in His mercy
or if he really does exist
Why did he desert me
In my hour of need
I truly am indeed
Alone again, naturally

It seems to me that there are more hearts
Broken in the world that can't be mended
Left unattended
What do we do
What do we do

Here it comes. Here are the tears. Just over the edge.

I have an image of the grim reaper standing outside my father's hospital room. He's leaning back, smoking a cigarette, biding his time. Bored with our lives. The bastard.
I have an image of beating his ass off with a broom.
I have an image of begging him to leave.

I am wracked with fear. I think of things in the future.
I worry that my father will miss those things. I know he worries more.
He's not ready to be done with this life. He has grandsons to watch grow up. It would be wrong for him not to be here. It would be wrong for Riley not to know Dad like Nancy didn't know Jack. Jack loved her like he loved none of us...for six months. Maybe Jack was trying to hold onto life by holding that little baby.

I think of the last movie Bubba watched. 8 Seconds. Nothing after that. She's seen none of the movies since then. The last book she read Lauren Bacall's biography. She said "I didn't know Lauren Bacall was Jewish.
No books after that. No new songs. No new stories.

I don't know how to do this. We can't lose him but I'm so afraid to hope. We hoped all week but that got us nowhere. In fact, all the hope and prayers and we lost the gamble completely. What will we hope for now? If we do - will we lose?
It isn't fair. That sounds like the cries of a child.
Doesn't this make us all children...wandering lost in the unknown?

I can't see life without Dad. This can't be that bad. This has to be cureable.
He CANNOT be a victim of this fucking family curse! Make it stop! Leave him here with us.
He quit smoking. There's no reason for this! He's supposed to beat the curse!

What would Mom do without him? How would she survive?
He hasn't even retired yet. He's worked that pain in the ass job for 12 fucking years. He tolerated that idiot Don. Shouldn't he get points for that??!!
Why don't my parents get to retire? Why don't they get to be together and travel and not be burdened by work.
He's only a couple of years away. Don't fucking take THAT from him! This isn't right! SOMEBODY MAKE THIS RIGHT!