10-30-05 Cancer +4

Be positive. Be hopeful.
And I try and try so hard but I'm neither. I'm angry and I'm so very very sad.
I don't let on. I can't do that to my family. My husband doesn't see or understand or empathize.
I didn't really empathize when his parents had it. I should have been more supportive. I didn't realize these emotions. I really really didn't get it.
Man. I'm so sorry about that.

I looked it up. His symptoms match lymphoma. I'm hoping for quick surgery but I know there will be radiation and chemo. I know my father will become frail. He already is. He's so weak. He's out of breath. I have this panic in my head and in my heart that he will die in the night and I'll just be told that he's gone. "Oops. We should have done something sooner but we were in the middle of all the testing. Insurance, you know. Gotta go step by step. Gotta TAKE FUCKING FOREVER to react!"
And I cry because of the suffering he will go through. My father, with his beautiful, wavy thick hair will go bald. He will hurt. He will not be able to eat. He will vomit. He will feel like every nerve is on fire. He will be frial.
I will not be able to save him from this. I will only be able to watch.

Make this stop. Make him better.